


One-Touch Functions

by AsYouCommand (OminousHummingObelisk)



Series: Kibble & Bits & Bits & Bits [6]
Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Implied Masturbation, Improper Cell Phone Use, Other, Voice Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 13:52:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11556543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OminousHummingObelisk/pseuds/AsYouCommand
Summary: In which the DJD help Tarn shop for the phone that only Megatron can call.





	One-Touch Functions

**Author's Note:**

> [Original prompt](https://bigassmagnet.tumblr.com/post/163137842662/gaymilesedgeworth-bigassmagnet): Person A is [gaymilesedgeworth.tumblr.com](http://gaymilesedgeworth.tumblr.com) and Person B is [bigassmagnet.tumblr.com](http://bigassmagnet.tumblr.com)
>
>>   
>  (Person A): i wanna discuss the fact that Tarn apparently just always carries around an extra cell phone exclusively in case Megatron decides to call him
>> 
>> (Person B): And it has spikes on it. His cellphone is pointy. 
>> 
>> Do you think he got that phone case from Robot Hot Topic? 
>> 
>> (Person A): he ordered it off the website and he made the rest of the DJD huddle around his computer and help him pick it out 
>> 
>> (Person B): He bitched for a solid ten minutes because the purple and grey one was out of stock.

~~Bet it has all the weird kibble on the one end because it doubles as a vibrator for enormous tracked vehicles.~~

I love the fact that it has only one button. The only function that this complex, built-tough, galaxy-spanning transmission device has is “PUSH TO RECEIVE MASTER INTO YOUR EAGER SOUND HOLES.” 

“What other functions does a smartphone even need?” Tarn asks the rest of the DJD while they crowd around, watching him scroll through The Big Amazonian to find a phone model worthy of being a vessel for His Voice. The others start to smirk, but falter when they realize that he’s actually dead serious. Tarn’s head slowly tilts to one side in ever-growing puzzlement as he keeps scrolling. 

Vos grabs onto his arm to stop him and points out one model that has a battery life good for one million hours of active use. 

Tarn glares at him in reproach. “Vos, one million hours is not very much time, given the scale of our war. I can’t possibly be bothered to worry about running out of battery life after only that long.” 

Vos waves impatiently at him and points at the detailed specs which indicate that actual phone functionality is powered by a micro-reactor and won’t run down until after the heat death of the universe. The million-hour battery runs the _other function_. Like, a million hours of active, switched-on… _functioning_. 

Tarn’s fans rattle as if a handful of gravel had been dumped through a vent. He coughs delicately, trying to pretend that there was actually something bouncing around in his ventilation system. No one is convinced. “I guess phones really _do_ do everything nowadays,” Helex comments. 

Tesarus’ mouth wrinkles as he finds the aesthetic wanting. “Isn’t it, uh, a little sharp on that end? For…uh, stuff? I mean, y'know, just sayin’.” 

“Have you met the guy who’ll be using it?” Helex murmurs back, and Tesarus nods in grim understanding. 

Tarn tries to disguise the tremble in his hands as he puts the phone in his digital cart and starts to check out. “It’s… It’s perfect. For the job, of course. One-button functionality, top marks in crush and impact resistance tests, liquid-proof, easy to clean, lasts forever, comes with a variety pack of swappable ti – ahem. Yes. Good eye, Vos. Mission successful.” …He adds a second of the same phone to his order before putting it all on the Justice Division Ununtrium Rewards debit card. It’s a necessary operational expense for the unit, and it’s always good to have a backup in case something, well, happens to the other one. If it got misplaced somewhere, for instance. 

Somewhere nearby, the sound of some viscous fluid falling to the floor, drop by drop, perhaps from the underside of an office chair, begins. 

Vos proudly pets Tarn’s arm. The sooner the commander owns his kinks, the faster he can start dumping all that repressed emotion that’s holding back his true potential. After a million hours of that secondary phone function, he might even mellow out enough to go five minutes without transforming. This could really be a life-changing event for Tarn. 

\------- 

(Of course, tags happened):  
` #in the end that function broke after only a few thousand hours in both phones #and the phone maker had either been killed in the war or gone underground with the ill-gotten profits #so tarn just stayed stressed for the rest of his life #the end #mostly because vos couldn't get him to justify buying more sex toys for himself #not even that new spike-shaped phone - want to keep your phone where it's REALLY secure? #but tarn was burned out on kinky novelty comm devices and wouldn't relent #meanwhile a whole second chapter was being written in the tags #actual the end`

**Author's Note:**

> bigassmagnet raised the important question: why the hell is Tarn carrying around a bright blue phone, especially if it's a special one that's only for Megatron? My theory: unless you have a need for complete camouflage, it's often helpful to have all your kit brightly-colored when you go into the trackless wilderness. If you drop your widget in the underbrush at dusk, it's much easier to find a neon orange one than a matte black one. Decepticons seem to have a limited palette of colors that are especially Decepticon-y; very bright colors are mostly Autobot-only. Further, IDW robo-gore is bright pink. Since the DJD are most commonly concerned with dead Decepticons, I postulate that Tarn wanted a phone that, if dropped into a big mess of wrecked Decepticons, would be the most easy to find. Bright blue isn't a typical Decepticon armor color and it contrasts nicely with hot pink.


End file.
